Suffering Silently

IMG_5535

Dealing with chronic pain over the last year has been eye opening for me.  It has made me more patient, more empathetic and a better teacher.  I have learned how many people suffer with some sort of physical pain every day and do so without a bit of complaining.

Over the years, I was really good at keeping my feelings inside for fear of burdening anyone else.  When my brother died, my parents were concerned because I wasn’t sharing my feelings with them, they didn’t see me cry.  I got really good at stuffing down my feelings until they exploded in one moment.  When I announced I was getting divorced, everyone was shocked because I was really good at keeping my feelings hidden, no one had a clue anything was amiss.  Slowly, over time, I’ve gotten better about sharing.  Maybe its age, maybe its a lot of hard lessons, or maybe its the people in my life.  I think its a combination of all of these things.  I’m no longer afraid to share feelings for fear of burdening people because they want to listen, they want to help.  How do I know this?  Because I want to do that for other people and I have an amazing group of friends who are always there.  Are there times when I worry if they really want to hear me cry anymore over my breakup or cry about the chronic pain, of course I do.  But I am getting better at sharing in spite of my fears.

Even here on this blog, I’ve shared things I’m planning on doing and then turned around later and changed my mind.  Last post, I told you I was planning to have surgery to get rid of the herniated disc in my back.  I was convinced that was the only solution for me.  Last week, I changed my mind.  I’m trying a different route and if that doesn’t work, surgery can always be rescheduled.

What I’ve learned about sharing stories, feelings, pain, is that there is someone out there who can relate in some way.  I always wonder if people think I’m crazy or annoying but it doesn’t stop me from sharing anymore.  They will always think what they want but by sharing my stories, my feelings, my pain, I may be helping someone else who is too afraid to share.  I know for sure that I’m helping myself by sharing.  I’m no longer suffering silently.  I’m actually not suffering at all because the more I talk about it, the more free I feel, if that makes sense.  I’m no longer stuffing my feelings down creating more internal strife.

I guess the point of this post was to let you know you are not alone, you don’t have to suffer in silence, you can share your feelings, your fears, your pain and there is always someone willing to listen.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Moving Forward…I’m Ready

IMG_5524

Almost three years ago, I moved into this house.  I walked in and fell in love and knew I had to be here.  And for all this time, that tire swing has hung in the tree.  Then one day on a whim, I decided to look at a new place to live.  I’ve been feeling the pull to make a change and as soon as I saw these brand new apartments, I knew it was time.  That evening when I got home, the tire swing was on the ground, it was a sign.  This house has been a exactly what I’ve needed, a place where I’ve learned to be alone, a place where I’ve fallen in love and healed from heartbreak.  Now its time to move forward to a new home.  It will be the complete opposite of where I’m living now.  Going from 100+ year old house with a yard to a one bedroom brand new apartment in a big community will require some adjustment, but its time for a change.  I’m ready.

For just over a year, I’ve been dealing with chronic pain, starting in my low back and radiating down my left leg.  I’ve tried chiropractic care, massage therapy, acupuncture and even resorted to a cortisone shot but nothing has worked.  Even pain meds do nothing.  I finally relented and had an MRI to discover a herniated, bulging disc, was referred to a neurosurgeon and decided its time for surgery.  I’ve never had surgery nor been a big fan, but decided if it could eliminate this pain with little downside, then its time.  Time to move forward pain-free, I’m ready.

Exactly one year ago today, I met him.  What a difference a year has made.  He helped me re-open my heart, broke it wide open and now I’m ready to move forward, find love again.  I actually have a date tonight.  It seems weird on this day but its time to start again.  No longer afraid to fall and get hurt because I know I can get back up.  I’m ready.

I’m ready…to start again, for little changes and big ones too, to move forward.

Posted in Home, Life Lessons | 3 Comments

Trust

IMG_2335

Every year, for the past several, I have selected a guiding word for that year.  Some years it takes a lot of time and thought to select my word.  For 2014, the word actually came to me at the end of 2013.  TRUST became a big issue for me after my breakup and is my guiding word moving forward.  This year has already tested my trust.

*Trust in my instincts and my choices.

*Trust in other people.

*Trust in the Universe, Divine Order, my Angels and Guides

*Trust that its ok to let go and let other people help.

*Trust that everything is going to work out as it is supposed to.

*Trust that I’ll find the strength when needed.

*Trust that this is temporary.

Posted in Inspiration, Life Lessons, Word for the Year | Leave a comment

Only Love

Love rock, Nags Head, NC

Love rock, Nags Head, NC

It has taken me about a month to write about my experience at Serendipity Retreat in Nags Head, NC.  I’m not sure why it has taken that long except maybe its hard to capture  in words.  I was in a very sad place when I arrived at the retreat but it was exactly what I needed at the time…to be surrounded by some of my dearest friends and near mama ocean.  The ocean is so vast and powerful yet can be so calm and soothing, it brings much needed perspective.

This retreat was much different from years past.  I didn’t attend any classes, I helped set up the houses for all of the amazing women in attendance, got breakfast ready a couple of mornings, helped clean up after meals and taught a Pilates class.  I also had lots of time to think, nap, relax, get a massage, soak in the hot tub, and just BE.  It was also different because I was in pain, physically and emotionally.  At meals, I felt like I was standing on the outside, watching everyone have these amazing experiences while I was trying to keep my tears in check.  Of course as soon as someone would spot me and come over to check in, all they needed to do was give me one look and the tears would flow.  I can vividly remember two instances where women who had been in my place and were now on the other side (they are back with their loves) gave me one look and I couldn’t hold back the tears and that made them cry too.  Don’t think it was a big cry fest because there was alot of laughter too!  But for me, the shedding of tears was more common that not.  That’s what I needed though, to move through the sadness.  And this was the safest place to do that.  There were no judgements, only love and support.

When I arrived home, the sadness intensified, if you can believe that.  Although if you’ve ever been to a retreat, the return home can be difficult.  Perhaps its because I was no longer surrounded by all of the support and it was just me, alone with my thoughts.  Today though, I’m happy to say that, for the most part, the sadness is gone, although there are still moments…like right now writing this post.

What I really want to share though is that I opened my heart, really opened it for the first time since my brother died.  Yes, I was married and in other relationships but I kept a part of me closed off, a part of my heart protected, because I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again.  It took me a long to time to open it up and when I did it was wonderful.  Yes I got hurt but I also experienced such joy.

I still love him and I think I always will, because what I’m finding is that although there has been alot of sadness, there has been no anger, no regret, there has been only love.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Not Alone

IMG_1844

On Monday morning as I was leaving my house, I noticed a bird in the road on the side of my house.  When I looked closer, I saw it was a hawk.  Now I don’t know about you but I’ve never seen a hawk on the ground.  He was just standing there and as I pulled up to him, he hopped off the side of the road into my yard.  He didn’t appear to be injured so I went on my way.  When I arrived back home, I looked all over the yard to make sure he was not in fact injured.  He was nowhere to be found.  I headed out yet again to meet a dear friend for lunch.  I pulled into my driveway and there was the hawk in my neighbor’s yard.  I got out of my car and walked over to him.  He proceeded to hop in the road so I stood there to make sure no cars hit him.  I kept walking closer and closer to him.  I snapped a couple of pictures because I just had to capture this moment.  When he didn’t move, I started talking to him, asking him if he was ok.  After what felt like forever, he decided I got the message and he flew off, with that big beautiful wingspan.

Hawk is a messenger of the spirit world.  They are protectors and visionaries.  So I choose to believe he was sent to me to tell me that everything will be OK and that I am not alone.

I must admit, the first person I wanted to share this sighting with was him and I couldn’t and that was really really hard.  Honestly, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and this was just one of those moments that was amazing and sad all at the same time.  But that is life right?  Good, bad, happy, sad…we all deal with a myriad of emotions on a daily basis.

We’re not alone…we are all here doing our best.  I know someone sent me that message loud and clear with a visit from a beautiful hawk.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

No Regrets

Heart in the sky (taken by him)

Heart in the sky (taken by him)

My friend who introduced us said now she’s sorry she did.  I told her please don’t be because I don’t regret one single minute of it.  How could I possibly regret meeting such an amazing man?  I fell in love, why should I regret that?  I truly opened my heart for the first time in 24 years.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and experienced such joy.  We got along so well and had such great times together.  How could I possibly regret any of it?

Oh don’t get me wrong, I am sad, so very sad.  And heartbroken, oh yes.  But regret is not one of the things I’m feeling.  My heart is still telling me that this is not completely over, that this is not the end of our story.  Right now, he is doing one of the most loving things for himself and I can’t be angry at that.  Of course I wish I was by his side helping him deal with it all but that’s not what he wanted and in the end is probably not the best for either of us.  It hurts, believe me, but I have nothing but love for this man.  He opened my heart and for that I am forever grateful.  I still love him deeply and I can’t imagine that ever changing.  Only time will tell how this story unfolds, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I will never regret any of it.

Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments

Today ~ Trusting

IMG_1740

Today I am trusting…

that my heart is smarter than my mind;

in the Universe;

in Divine Flow;

that my angels and guides have got my back;

that this too shall pass;

that LOVE will conquer all.

Today, all I can do is let go and trust.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment