Not Alone


On Monday morning as I was leaving my house, I noticed a bird in the road on the side of my house.  When I looked closer, I saw it was a hawk.  Now I don’t know about you but I’ve never seen a hawk on the ground.  He was just standing there and as I pulled up to him, he hopped off the side of the road into my yard.  He didn’t appear to be injured so I went on my way.  When I arrived back home, I looked all over the yard to make sure he was not in fact injured.  He was nowhere to be found.  I headed out yet again to meet a dear friend for lunch.  I pulled into my driveway and there was the hawk in my neighbor’s yard.  I got out of my car and walked over to him.  He proceeded to hop in the road so I stood there to make sure no cars hit him.  I kept walking closer and closer to him.  I snapped a couple of pictures because I just had to capture this moment.  When he didn’t move, I started talking to him, asking him if he was ok.  After what felt like forever, he decided I got the message and he flew off, with that big beautiful wingspan.

Hawk is a messenger of the spirit world.  They are protectors and visionaries.  So I choose to believe he was sent to me to tell me that everything will be OK and that I am not alone.

I must admit, the first person I wanted to share this sighting with was him and I couldn’t and that was really really hard.  Honestly, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and this was just one of those moments that was amazing and sad all at the same time.  But that is life right?  Good, bad, happy, sad…we all deal with a myriad of emotions on a daily basis.

We’re not alone…we are all here doing our best.  I know someone sent me that message loud and clear with a visit from a beautiful hawk.

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No Regrets

Heart in the sky (taken by him)

Heart in the sky (taken by him)

My friend who introduced us said now she’s sorry she did.  I told her please don’t be because I don’t regret one single minute of it.  How could I possibly regret meeting such an amazing man?  I fell in love, why should I regret that?  I truly opened my heart for the first time in 24 years.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and experienced such joy.  We got along so well and had such great times together.  How could I possibly regret any of it?

Oh don’t get me wrong, I am sad, so very sad.  And heartbroken, oh yes.  But regret is not one of the things I’m feeling.  My heart is still telling me that this is not completely over, that this is not the end of our story.  Right now, he is doing one of the most loving things for himself and I can’t be angry at that.  Of course I wish I was by his side helping him deal with it all but that’s not what he wanted and in the end is probably not the best for either of us.  It hurts, believe me, but I have nothing but love for this man.  He opened my heart and for that I am forever grateful.  I still love him deeply and I can’t imagine that ever changing.  Only time will tell how this story unfolds, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I will never regret any of it.

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Today ~ Trusting


Today I am trusting…

that my heart is smarter than my mind;

in the Universe;

in Divine Flow;

that my angels and guides have got my back;

that this too shall pass;

that LOVE will conquer all.

Today, all I can do is let go and trust.

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When I worked in the corporate world, morning meant rushing around getting ready and flying out the door to make it to work on time.  Usually without breakfast or even a cup of coffee.  I would get all of that at the office.

Now, my mornings are slow and relaxing.  I have time to feed Allie, drink my coffee or tea, eat breakfast, catch up on some emails and Facebook or just stare into space.  As I sit here now, enjoying my coffee, watching Allie groom herself, I can hear the birds chatting away.  They are quite active in the mornings…I often wonder what they are saying to each other.  Is it their morning coffee clutch?  Talking about where the best worms can be found, the cardinals gossiping about those noisy bluejays, the females complaining about having to stay in the nest all night while he was flitting about.  I guess I’ll never know but its great to have time to think about what they might be saying.

I often think I should take the time in the morning to sit and meditate…I do seem to have the time.  Enjoying my coffee, listening to the birds and not rushing around before heading out the door to work…this is my morning meditation.

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Grief from afar

2013-08-13 19.09.09

When I left, she was unhappy with me and hurt, at least I think she was.  I wrote a letter to try and explain why I left.  I still loved her, I just couldn’t be married anymore.  We didn’t talk for a very long time.  Then one day I just picked up the phone and called, we had a really great conversation.  Over the years, I wanted to reach out but never felt it was my place.  I knew she was sick but I wasn’t sure how to get in touch and felt that the communication would be unwanted.  Now its too late, she is gone and I just hope she knows that to this day I still love her.  I never stopped loving her.  She was an amazing woman.  I admired her for her strength and her perseverance.  Even though we weren’t in touch, I never stopped thinking about her.  I would like to think that she and my brother will finally meet and share some good laughs.

Its an awkward place, the world of exes.  How does one react to such a loss when you are no longer in touch, when everyone has moved on and there are no kids to connect you?  I wasn’t sure what to do, is it appropriate to send flowers, a card, or a donation in her name.  Then I received an email from my ex-husband telling me of his loss which was, I must say, a surprise but very much appreciated.  I felt like that gave me permission to let the tears flow…and to acknowledge that his mother was still special to me even though we long since parted.  So I did send flowers and I will make a donation and I did send him my deepest sympathy.  And today as they say their goodbyes, I am sending the family my thoughts and prayers.

Lesly is one special woman and she will be missed by many…including me.

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Where has Summer Gone?


Its the end of July and I’m sitting here pondering what I’ve been up to since my last blog post.

I’ve been working, of course…teaching Pilates and now TRX…and I really love working with our amazing clients every day.

I’ve spent a few days at the beach with family that I only see once a year at the beach…we need to do something about that!

I’ve gone for a motorcycle ride just to get ice cream in the country.

I’ve been eating out and enjoying alot of wine…and its evident on my waist line!  At least its good wine…and good company!

I’ve been falling more and more in love with my boyfriend every day.  The more time we spend together, the more I want to spend together.  Oh don’t get me wrong, we are still navigating this relationship thing and the challenges that come with it but I couldn’t ask for a better man to help navigate.

I’ve been paying attention to the signs.  Like when “Freebird” plays at the exact moment I’m on the verge of getting upset about something…its my brother reminding me to chill the “F” out and let it go!  And he’s really been sending me the signs lately.  There’s the feather I found on the beach after taking our family photo…a sign from either my brother or grandmother reminding us that they are there.  I love getting these little messages.

I’ve been ‘voxing’ with my girlfriends and getting to know them even better.  If you haven’t checked out Voxer Walkie-Talkie (iphone app)…do it…its an awesome way to keep in touch with your friends especially if they are spread out all over the country!

I’ve been spending more time BEing in the moment instead of trying to keep busy DOing things.  As my boyfriend wisely said one lazy weekend…we need to spend more time being and less time doing.  Its kind of sticking with me.

So what have you been up to this summer?

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I’ve wanted to tell you…


I’ve been on an unplanned hiatus but I’ve wanted to tell you…

That spending a weekend in Myrtle Beach during Bike Week was a ton of fun.  Lots of time on the back of a motorcycle to think and enjoy the views.  Lots of time with new and old friends, lots of people watching and most importantly, quality time with my love*.

That road tripping with my bestie, her hubby, his son and their dog, was AMAZING!  Seeing parts of the country I’ve never seen before with my best friend is priceless!  Staying in these little towns and meeting interesting people was just awesome.  Like the Harley dude who pulled into a rest stop we were at because he saw me in my cowboy boots, skirt and cowboy hat and had to see what we were doing.  We chatted with him for quite awhile.  Or our waitress who had moved to the little town of Pipestone Minnesota from San Diego because she wanted to experience seasons and she met a trucker who was on the road all the time and offered her a place to stay.  Or our bartender Toni who made a mean dirty martini and owns 14 dogs and is a sled dog racer (is that what they’re called?).

That my best friend got to meet my boyfriend in Wisconsin because he flew up to meet us and we all had a great time.  He loved them and they loved him.  Of course it helped that he had already made a good first impression by sending us a bottle of wine when we were in eating at the Peppermill in Valentine, Nebraska.  Yes he is a very thoughtful man.

That fish bowls are pretty fun and the fish really tasty!

That I can’t wait for another Road Trip.  This time in an RV for an extended period of time!  I love seeing parts of our country from the road on little two lane highways or dirt roads (yes there were a couple of dirt roads) and meeting new people and hearing their stories.

And most of all I’ve wanted to tell you that life is good…really, really good!

*yes you read that right…he calls himself bachelor #6…I don’t think I will ever live that down!

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