Trust

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Every year, for the past several, I have selected a guiding word for that year.  Some years it takes a lot of time and thought to select my word.  For 2014, the word actually came to me at the end of 2013.  TRUST became a big issue for me after my breakup and is my guiding word moving forward.  This year has already tested my trust.

*Trust in my instincts and my choices.

*Trust in other people.

*Trust in the Universe, Divine Order, my Angels and Guides

*Trust that its ok to let go and let other people help.

*Trust that everything is going to work out as it is supposed to.

*Trust that I’ll find the strength when needed.

*Trust that this is temporary.

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Only Love

Love rock, Nags Head, NC

Love rock, Nags Head, NC

It has taken me about a month to write about my experience at Serendipity Retreat in Nags Head, NC.  I’m not sure why it has taken that long except maybe its hard to capture  in words.  I was in a very sad place when I arrived at the retreat but it was exactly what I needed at the time…to be surrounded by some of my dearest friends and near mama ocean.  The ocean is so vast and powerful yet can be so calm and soothing, it brings much needed perspective.

This retreat was much different from years past.  I didn’t attend any classes, I helped set up the houses for all of the amazing women in attendance, got breakfast ready a couple of mornings, helped clean up after meals and taught a Pilates class.  I also had lots of time to think, nap, relax, get a massage, soak in the hot tub, and just BE.  It was also different because I was in pain, physically and emotionally.  At meals, I felt like I was standing on the outside, watching everyone have these amazing experiences while I was trying to keep my tears in check.  Of course as soon as someone would spot me and come over to check in, all they needed to do was give me one look and the tears would flow.  I can vividly remember two instances where women who had been in my place and were now on the other side (they are back with their loves) gave me one look and I couldn’t hold back the tears and that made them cry too.  Don’t think it was a big cry fest because there was alot of laughter too!  But for me, the shedding of tears was more common that not.  That’s what I needed though, to move through the sadness.  And this was the safest place to do that.  There were no judgements, only love and support.

When I arrived home, the sadness intensified, if you can believe that.  Although if you’ve ever been to a retreat, the return home can be difficult.  Perhaps its because I was no longer surrounded by all of the support and it was just me, alone with my thoughts.  Today though, I’m happy to say that, for the most part, the sadness is gone, although there are still moments…like right now writing this post.

What I really want to share though is that I opened my heart, really opened it for the first time since my brother died.  Yes, I was married and in other relationships but I kept a part of me closed off, a part of my heart protected, because I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again.  It took me a long to time to open it up and when I did it was wonderful.  Yes I got hurt but I also experienced such joy.

I still love him and I think I always will, because what I’m finding is that although there has been alot of sadness, there has been no anger, no regret, there has been only love.

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Not Alone

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On Monday morning as I was leaving my house, I noticed a bird in the road on the side of my house.  When I looked closer, I saw it was a hawk.  Now I don’t know about you but I’ve never seen a hawk on the ground.  He was just standing there and as I pulled up to him, he hopped off the side of the road into my yard.  He didn’t appear to be injured so I went on my way.  When I arrived back home, I looked all over the yard to make sure he was not in fact injured.  He was nowhere to be found.  I headed out yet again to meet a dear friend for lunch.  I pulled into my driveway and there was the hawk in my neighbor’s yard.  I got out of my car and walked over to him.  He proceeded to hop in the road so I stood there to make sure no cars hit him.  I kept walking closer and closer to him.  I snapped a couple of pictures because I just had to capture this moment.  When he didn’t move, I started talking to him, asking him if he was ok.  After what felt like forever, he decided I got the message and he flew off, with that big beautiful wingspan.

Hawk is a messenger of the spirit world.  They are protectors and visionaries.  So I choose to believe he was sent to me to tell me that everything will be OK and that I am not alone.

I must admit, the first person I wanted to share this sighting with was him and I couldn’t and that was really really hard.  Honestly, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and this was just one of those moments that was amazing and sad all at the same time.  But that is life right?  Good, bad, happy, sad…we all deal with a myriad of emotions on a daily basis.

We’re not alone…we are all here doing our best.  I know someone sent me that message loud and clear with a visit from a beautiful hawk.

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No Regrets

Heart in the sky (taken by him)

Heart in the sky (taken by him)

My friend who introduced us said now she’s sorry she did.  I told her please don’t be because I don’t regret one single minute of it.  How could I possibly regret meeting such an amazing man?  I fell in love, why should I regret that?  I truly opened my heart for the first time in 24 years.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and experienced such joy.  We got along so well and had such great times together.  How could I possibly regret any of it?

Oh don’t get me wrong, I am sad, so very sad.  And heartbroken, oh yes.  But regret is not one of the things I’m feeling.  My heart is still telling me that this is not completely over, that this is not the end of our story.  Right now, he is doing one of the most loving things for himself and I can’t be angry at that.  Of course I wish I was by his side helping him deal with it all but that’s not what he wanted and in the end is probably not the best for either of us.  It hurts, believe me, but I have nothing but love for this man.  He opened my heart and for that I am forever grateful.  I still love him deeply and I can’t imagine that ever changing.  Only time will tell how this story unfolds, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I will never regret any of it.

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Today ~ Trusting

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Today I am trusting…

that my heart is smarter than my mind;

in the Universe;

in Divine Flow;

that my angels and guides have got my back;

that this too shall pass;

that LOVE will conquer all.

Today, all I can do is let go and trust.

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Morning

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When I worked in the corporate world, morning meant rushing around getting ready and flying out the door to make it to work on time.  Usually without breakfast or even a cup of coffee.  I would get all of that at the office.

Now, my mornings are slow and relaxing.  I have time to feed Allie, drink my coffee or tea, eat breakfast, catch up on some emails and Facebook or just stare into space.  As I sit here now, enjoying my coffee, watching Allie groom herself, I can hear the birds chatting away.  They are quite active in the mornings…I often wonder what they are saying to each other.  Is it their morning coffee clutch?  Talking about where the best worms can be found, the cardinals gossiping about those noisy bluejays, the females complaining about having to stay in the nest all night while he was flitting about.  I guess I’ll never know but its great to have time to think about what they might be saying.

I often think I should take the time in the morning to sit and meditate…I do seem to have the time.  Enjoying my coffee, listening to the birds and not rushing around before heading out the door to work…this is my morning meditation.

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Grief from afar

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When I left, she was unhappy with me and hurt, at least I think she was.  I wrote a letter to try and explain why I left.  I still loved her, I just couldn’t be married anymore.  We didn’t talk for a very long time.  Then one day I just picked up the phone and called, we had a really great conversation.  Over the years, I wanted to reach out but never felt it was my place.  I knew she was sick but I wasn’t sure how to get in touch and felt that the communication would be unwanted.  Now its too late, she is gone and I just hope she knows that to this day I still love her.  I never stopped loving her.  She was an amazing woman.  I admired her for her strength and her perseverance.  Even though we weren’t in touch, I never stopped thinking about her.  I would like to think that she and my brother will finally meet and share some good laughs.

Its an awkward place, the world of exes.  How does one react to such a loss when you are no longer in touch, when everyone has moved on and there are no kids to connect you?  I wasn’t sure what to do, is it appropriate to send flowers, a card, or a donation in her name.  Then I received an email from my ex-husband telling me of his loss which was, I must say, a surprise but very much appreciated.  I felt like that gave me permission to let the tears flow…and to acknowledge that his mother was still special to me even though we long since parted.  So I did send flowers and I will make a donation and I did send him my deepest sympathy.  And today as they say their goodbyes, I am sending the family my thoughts and prayers.

Lesly is one special woman and she will be missed by many…including me.

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